The Penis Study

2.Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of
a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost
over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure
during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the British were
wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After
three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded
that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman
with more sexual pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to
conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research
and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study was complete. They came to the
conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him
in the forehead.

3.did you hear about the Newfie ice hockey team?

They drowned in Spring training.

And about the Newfie hitman?

He burned his mouth on a tailpipe trying to blow up a car.

 

Constipated

4.A Newfie was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories. A week later the Newfie complained
 to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regulary?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the Newfie said,
"Shoving them up my butt?"

5.Here is a letter I stumbled across, it's from a newfie to her son.
Dear Son:
I am writing this slowly because i know you're a slow reader.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper
 that most car accidents happened within 20 miles of the home, so
 we moved. I can't send you the address, cuz the last couple that
 lived here (newfies) took the numbers with them for thier next
 house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine, but the first day I put four
 shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen them since.
The bathroom's a funny place for a washing machine.
It rained here only twice last week; three days the first time,
 and four the second.
About the coat you wanted me to send you; Aunt Sue said it would
 be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons,
 so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it siad that if we
 didn't make the last payment on Granny's funeral, up she comes.
About your sister; She had a baby this morning! I haven't found
 out wether it's a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an
aunt or an uncle
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull
 him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and
 he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was
 driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out,
 but the other two drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate open.
Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them
 by now, but I told her that you grown another foot since she last
 saw you, so she's making another sock.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom

 

I IS A NEWFIE!
Eh Dare,

I am not a roofer or, a fisherman, and I am not collecting Pogey.

I don't live in a rented house with 4 udder newfie friends.

I don't eat Moose meat every day and I don't drive a Ski-doo.

And I don't know Barry, Jimmy or Glenn from Grand Falls
 although I am certain they are good folk.

I drink Screech or Beer- or anything with a percent of alcohol.

I believe in open bars everywhere, and I pronounce it "turbitt", not "turbo".

I can proudly fly my province's flag in the back window of my pickup.

A toque is a hat. Fried bologna is a meal.

And the COD is a proud and noble FISH!

And it is pronounced TREE, not THREE....TREE!

Newfoundland is the last member of confederation,

the 1st province of fishing,

and the best part of the Atlantic ocean!

My name is Bob!

And I is a Newfie!

Bye!

 

LMAO!!

 

 

 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
 differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
 Mars thing.
 I have never figured out why men think with their head and
 women with their heart.
 FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my wife and I were
getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
 eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
 I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
 So she says the words that every Husband on the planet
 dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional
 needs as a woman, enough for me to satisfy your physical
 needs as a man."
 She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
 Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I
 went
 to sleep.
 The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
 time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping
 at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her
 while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
 She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy
 them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,
 so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
 We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a
 pair of diamond earrings.
 Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
 was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to hink she was
 testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
 doesn't even know how to play tennis.
 I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, darling."
 She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the
 excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,
 "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
 I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No darling,
 I don't feel like it."
 Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
 baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really darling! I just want
 you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
 my financial needs as a man. Enough for me to satisfy your
 shopping needs as a woman."
 And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
 I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for
 the things I buy you?"
 Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

 

 

LMAO!!

Have a chuckle

 

 

1.A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
   They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
  that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
 things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching
      TV,  the old man gets up from his chair.

 

          His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

          "To the kitchen" he replies.

          "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

          "Sure."

          "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she  asks.

          "No, I can remember it."

          "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. You'd better write it
 down because you know you'll forget it."

          He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with  strawberries."

          "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
 better write it down!" she retorts.

          Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! 
 Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got  it, for
 goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

          After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
 his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

          She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

          

 

2.A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
 getting married?"

          "Yep!"

 

"Do I know her?"

          "Nope!"

          "This woman, is she good looking?"

          "Not really."

          "Is she a good cook?"

          "Naw, she can't cook too well."

          "Does she have lots of money?"

          "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

          "Well then, is she good in bed?"

          "I don't know."

          "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

          "Because she can still drive!"

 

 

3.Three old guys are out walking.

          First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
          Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
          Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

4.A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It  cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's  perfect."

          "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

          "Twelve thirty."

 

 

5.Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few  days later the doctor saw Morris walk ing down the street with a gorgeous
 young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to  Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

          Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be  cheerful.'"

 

          The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur. Be careful.'"

 

6.A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath
he  ordered a "banana split."

          The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

          "No," he replied, "Arthritis"

 

LMAO!!

http://spaces.msn.com/members/plop3/

& sign up before December 23rd.

When the time comes for signing

go to the list on her site & go to everyone's

space wishing them a

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

Another great online friend sent me these wonderful flowers.Thank u Kevin.This is the link to his site http://spaces.msn.com/members/KEVINCANNON888/ Check it out,great stuff & a funny guy. U are one great guy & your family is so lucky to have u.Thank u from the bottom of my heart.U & all of my MSN friends have made my week & weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

Hi everyone.I have such great online friends on MSN.This wonderful gift is from Lizzie.Check her out, this is the

link to her site.  ya Lizzie.

http://spaces.msn.com/members/angeleyes1982/

 

Thank u Lizzie.U are so sweet.I love it.

Lots of From me to u.

 

 

 

 

celebrities except Buddy Wasisname and Toni Marie Wiseman.

jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the "TCH".

to St. John's for the weekend.

4. You've seen all the

biggest bands 10 years after they were popular everywhere else.

5. You measure distance in

hours when traveling across the province, and full days when measuring distance across the country.

6. You know several people

who have hit moose more than once.

7. Your classes were often

cancelled because of snow.

8. You often switch from

"heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

9. You use a down

comforter in the summer.

10. Your grandparents

drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow in a raging blizzard - without flinching.

11. Your social life

consists of drinking at parties, in the
woods or downtown, and bingo, darts,

cards & fishing after 30.

12. You see people wear

hunting clothes or jogging suits to social events.

13. You install security

lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

14. You think of the major

four food groups as moose meat, beer, fish and berries and a typical meal

portion for you would feed an American for two days.

15. You carry jumper

cables in your car and you know how to use them.

16. There are 4 empty cars

running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given

time.

17. You only own three

spices: Salt, Pepper and Ketchup.

18. You design your kid's

Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

19. Driving is better in

the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

20. You think everyone

from a bigger city has an accent and
dresses funny.

21. You think lingerie is

a short flannel night dress.

22. You know all 4

seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

23. It takes 3 hours to go

to the store for one item when your  in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone you know.

24. You have a satellite

dish with 500 channels and you STILL watch the NTV evening news hour

religiously.

25. You consider a snow

blower a recreational vehicle.

26. Everyone knows a

snowmobile in the back of a new truck is a sign of a well off

man.

27. You have your own

rubber boots & ball cap for picking berries and fishing.

28. The shed or the barn

are acceptable places for grown men and sometimes women to drink and

socialize.

29. You actually

understand these jokes, smile, and forward
them to all your friends from

Newfoundland.

Gotta be proud to be a

Newfoundlander!